Terms & Conditions: A Love Story

PREAMBLE

PLEASE READ THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS (“Terms”, “Agreement”, “The Conversation You Have Been Avoiding”) CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING. By sustaining eye contact for longer than three (3) seconds, exchanging numbers, or going on a second date, you (“User”, “Party of No Consequence”) agree to be bound by these Terms in their entirety.

IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, please discontinue use of the other person immediately. Note that LifeServ Pty Ltd accepts no liability for the awkwardness this creates, particularly if you share a social group, a workplace, or a Spotify Family Plan.

Note: These Terms have been reviewed by our legal team, which is to say, they were generated automatically and reviewed by no one.

SECTION 1: GRANT OF LICENSE

1.1  LifeServ Pty Ltd grants you an exclusive, non-transferable, revocable license to engage in one (1) “Romantic Partnership” at a time. Additional concurrent licences may be negotiated in writing, executed by all parties, and are still no one else’s business.

1.2  “Romantic Partnership” means the ongoing personal arrangement between two Users, hereinafter referred to as “The Relationship”, “The Situationship” (deprecated), or “It’s Complicated” (legacy classification, no longer supported).

SECTION 2: DATA COLLECTION

By activating The Relationship, you consent to the collection, storage, and indefinite retention of the following categories of personal information:

2.1 Core Personal Data: your name, personality, family, sleep schedule, and the specific way you load the dishwasher, which is wrong.

2.2 Sensitive Information (as defined under the Privacy Act 1988 (Cth), Schedule 3, which neither party has read): health information, financial circumstances, past relationship history, recurring anxieties, and opinions about the other party’s friends, which you have expressed and cannot now unsay.

2.3 Secondary Use of Data: Information collected under clauses 2.1–2.3 may be used for the following purposes without further notice:

a) Recollection during arguments, including arguments that were ostensibly resolved (“Clause 2.4(a) Events”);

b) Disclosure to The Partner's mother, who will retain this information indefinitely with no deletion mechanism available to you;

c) Cross-referencing with data from prior Relationships to establish a pattern of behaviour that is, frankly, very telling.

SECTION 3: SECURITY

3.1 LifeServ Pty Ltd implements industry-standard security measures to protect your Personal Information. “Industry-standard” is not defined in this Agreement, consistent with its usage across most contemporary privacy policies.

3.2 In the event of a data breach – defined as the disclosure of your Sensitive Information to a third party without your consent, including but not limited to: The Partner’s housemates, a group chat, or a friend who “has no one to tell” – LifeServ Pty Ltd will:

a) Provide notification within a reasonable time, where “reasonable” is measured against how bad the breach was;

b) Express that it takes the security of your information “extremely seriously”, which is what Medibank also said in October 2022, shortly before the private health records of 9.7 million Australians appeared on a dark web forum;

c) Offer remediation steps that do not remediate anything.

3.3 TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW, LIFESERV PTY LTD ACCEPTS NO LIABILITY FOR BREACHES. You were advised, via subsection 3.1, that security measures were in place. That they did not work is, at this stage, a matter between you and your therapist.

SECTION 4: LIABILITY LIMITATIONS

4.1 EMOTIONAL DAMAGE: LifeServ Pty Ltd expressly disclaims all liability for: loss of sleep; loss of appetite; loss of general sense of self; costs associated with therapy; damage caused by The Relationship’s interaction with pre-existing conditions, including but not limited to unresolved paternal dynamics, a need to be right, and the belief that this time will be different.

4.2 CONSUME GUARANTEES: Certain guarantees under the Australian Consumer Law cannot be excluded. LifeServ Pty Ltd acknowledges this and has chosen to include this sentence to appear compliant while structuring the remainder of this Agreement to be of no practical use to you whatsoever.

SECTION 5: GOVERNING LAW AND DISPUTE RESOLUTION

5.1 These Terms are governed by the laws of the State of Delaware, United States of America.

5.2 You will have noted you are in Australia. LifeServ Pty Ltd has also noted this. LifeServ Pty Ltd has also noted this. Delaware was chosen for reasons of corporate convenience which is also how most decisions in this Agreement were made.

SECTION 6 – TERMINATION

6.1 Either party may terminate that are in Australia. LifeServ Pty Ltd has also noted this. Delaware was chosen for reasons of corporate convenience, which is also how most decisions in this Agreement were made.

6.2 Upon termination, all Personal Information reverts to the disclosing party in theory. In practice, nothing reverts. The other party retains everything. This is consistent with how human memory works and is outside LifeServ’s jurisdiction.

6.3 For the avoidance of doubt, the new statutory tort for serious invasion of privacy under the Privacy and Other Legislation Amendment Act 2024 (Cth) – which provides individuals a direct legal action for misuse of personal information – commenced in mid-2025. Whether continuing to bring the thing from four years ago constitutes “misuse” remains, at time of publication, untested before the courts.

SECTION 47 – AMENDMENTS

47.1.  LifeServ Pty Ltd may amend these Terms at any time. Notice will be provided via, an email to the address you used in 2014; a banner notification you will dismiss without reading; or a quiet shift in behaviour that you will notice but not mention until clause 2.4(a) applies.

47.2.  Your continued participation in daily life constitutes acceptance of any amendments. LifeServ Pty Ltd is aware that the only way to withhold consent is to cease participating in daily life. We consider this an acceptable design choice, consistent with the approach taken by most major technology companies currently operating in Australia.